If you are faint of heart...don't read this blog post.
Death for me was a distant thought, I had seen it in movies, I had watched friends lose friends and family members, but up until the last few months, I hadn't personally experienced it, minus my great-grandmother when I was 17, she was 99 and healthy, just died in her sleep of old age and I was not close to her so I really didn't feel all the feels.
My experiences started several months ago, some meant a lot to me, some were just weird and some gut wrenching.
I was a nanny for several years, before I moved to LA 2.5 years ago, for many different families and usually ended on wonderful notes with each family when I parted ways, however, with on in particular mom, it ended not so sweetly.
Her name was Kim, and I was basically hired to be her friend. She was a surgeon's wife and had two kiddos. She wanted companionship, someone to talk to and hang out with, she fast became someone I could tell all my stories and secrets to and get honest, unbiased opinions from because she was so outside my world and knew no one in my life. My hours with her soon became Good Day LA, coffee and breakfast, and Wendy Williams. Once in a while she would actually leave the house and leave the kiddos with me, but 99.9% of the time she and I just hung out while we both supervised the kids. Anyway, that being said, she clearly had some personal issues to deal with that I noticed immediately, but didn't give much thought to. I had several other families that were my main priority as they gave me steady, daily, guaranteed hours and Kim was a here and there. So at one point I was with another family, with the kids and driving them home from school, I got a text. When we got home I looked at the text, from Kim saying, "I need you to come over today." I quickly replied, "I can't, I am with my other family today, until 6:00, then I have traffic and won't be home until late." A few days later I got another text from her telling me I let her down when she needed me most and that was the end of my time with Kim.
While at work several months ago I was curious as to how she and the kiddos were doing so I googled her in hopes her Facebook would pop up, the first thing that popped up was her obituary, I was floored and my heart sank. How sad, I knew she was unstable, and wondered if it was suicide. A little more research informed me that it was. It was very sad, and very weird. A couple days later it sunk in and I cried a few tears for her because I felt so sorry for her. She was lost and alone and always tried to portray that she had the world because her husband made tons of money and she had kids. But it wasn't enough for her. Very sad.
Not long after that I was having lunch with my co workers before we were going to see Fast and Furious 7 to bid farewell to Paul Walker properly. My mom called and I answered, my Uncle Gary had died. He had always had narcotic abuse issues ever since the Vietnam war that he fought in and suffered severely from PTSD and was always on medication given to him by the Veterans hospitals and he mixed the wrong ones. I was not close to him at all but had memories of him from childhood and they were always happy. The worst was seeing my dad go through that and then having to bear the bad news to my grandparents who are in a home and did not have much contact with Uncle Gary, none of the siblings did which is why it took several days to even know that he had died. When I did find out I think I initially was shocked because when you hear "your uncle died." It's like...that's it? He just died and it's over? It really is the hardest thing to wrap your mind around. I sat in the mall we were at with sunglasses on and cried, in public. I texted the best friends that mattered to me to get a little support and sat and reflected and then went to the movie, well after it started, to continue the nights plans and have some fun with my girlfriends for some distraction.
My friend Katie and I were REALLY, really close in high school. She was two years behind me so when I went away to college, we of course grew apart but remained friends throughout the years, wishing each other congrats on college grads, birthdays, Facebook messaging here and there and liking each others posts on Facebook. Katie was a health nut, athletic and into organic and clean eating. When I found out in May that she was diagnosed with a terrible, stage 4 ovarian cancer, just months after giving birth to her first daughter I was floored. I didn't shed tears but I was overwhelmed with whys and didn't really take it to heart I guess you could say. I sent up prayers for her and kept up to date on her progress, surgeries, etc on Facebook but that was it. It wasn't until September, when her older sister, who I was also extremely close to in high school, sent me a message that said "Kate passed." that I lost it. I couldn't breathe, I sobbed, I was with my boyfriend, we were organizing his kitchen and I just couldn't believe it. I couldn't imagine the pain. Her husband, her daughter, her parents, her siblings. It didn't seem real. Death is so hard to comprehend. I just don't get it.
They say major things in life come in 3's, well mine, mine is coming in 4's, it's a big wave that I pray passes quickly. Yesterday, Super Bowl 50 Sunday, I got a phone call from my mom, my grandpa died. Just like that, I hear the words YET AGAIN. This time, it hurts hard, my heart squishes and sinks, my pulse speeds up. I know my dad is not ok because he has just learned that his dad has died. Died. A word no one wants to hear. Grandpa was sick, his kidneys were failing and his quality of life was terrible. Spending the day doing dialysis and the rest sleeping, he was ready to go to sleep forever. But you never want it to happen this way, or at all. Luckily, I was surrounded by friends and heavy distractions of the Super Bowl. I don't think it really sunk in until this morning, I woke up to exercise as I have been every day for the past two weeks, and I knew I could not handle being awake. I called out to work and went back to sleep. I had a day of peace and quiet. I didn't really eat, I didn't go outside. I just sat and was alone and quiet. It's what I needed. I cried off and on. I had a couple friends and my boyfriend checking in. I just did what I needed to do. I am thankful for all the memories I have of my Grandpa Gene. I pray he is resting in peace.
Death. I still don't understand it. Don't think I ever will.
Death for me was a distant thought, I had seen it in movies, I had watched friends lose friends and family members, but up until the last few months, I hadn't personally experienced it, minus my great-grandmother when I was 17, she was 99 and healthy, just died in her sleep of old age and I was not close to her so I really didn't feel all the feels.
My experiences started several months ago, some meant a lot to me, some were just weird and some gut wrenching.
I was a nanny for several years, before I moved to LA 2.5 years ago, for many different families and usually ended on wonderful notes with each family when I parted ways, however, with on in particular mom, it ended not so sweetly.
Her name was Kim, and I was basically hired to be her friend. She was a surgeon's wife and had two kiddos. She wanted companionship, someone to talk to and hang out with, she fast became someone I could tell all my stories and secrets to and get honest, unbiased opinions from because she was so outside my world and knew no one in my life. My hours with her soon became Good Day LA, coffee and breakfast, and Wendy Williams. Once in a while she would actually leave the house and leave the kiddos with me, but 99.9% of the time she and I just hung out while we both supervised the kids. Anyway, that being said, she clearly had some personal issues to deal with that I noticed immediately, but didn't give much thought to. I had several other families that were my main priority as they gave me steady, daily, guaranteed hours and Kim was a here and there. So at one point I was with another family, with the kids and driving them home from school, I got a text. When we got home I looked at the text, from Kim saying, "I need you to come over today." I quickly replied, "I can't, I am with my other family today, until 6:00, then I have traffic and won't be home until late." A few days later I got another text from her telling me I let her down when she needed me most and that was the end of my time with Kim.
While at work several months ago I was curious as to how she and the kiddos were doing so I googled her in hopes her Facebook would pop up, the first thing that popped up was her obituary, I was floored and my heart sank. How sad, I knew she was unstable, and wondered if it was suicide. A little more research informed me that it was. It was very sad, and very weird. A couple days later it sunk in and I cried a few tears for her because I felt so sorry for her. She was lost and alone and always tried to portray that she had the world because her husband made tons of money and she had kids. But it wasn't enough for her. Very sad.
Not long after that I was having lunch with my co workers before we were going to see Fast and Furious 7 to bid farewell to Paul Walker properly. My mom called and I answered, my Uncle Gary had died. He had always had narcotic abuse issues ever since the Vietnam war that he fought in and suffered severely from PTSD and was always on medication given to him by the Veterans hospitals and he mixed the wrong ones. I was not close to him at all but had memories of him from childhood and they were always happy. The worst was seeing my dad go through that and then having to bear the bad news to my grandparents who are in a home and did not have much contact with Uncle Gary, none of the siblings did which is why it took several days to even know that he had died. When I did find out I think I initially was shocked because when you hear "your uncle died." It's like...that's it? He just died and it's over? It really is the hardest thing to wrap your mind around. I sat in the mall we were at with sunglasses on and cried, in public. I texted the best friends that mattered to me to get a little support and sat and reflected and then went to the movie, well after it started, to continue the nights plans and have some fun with my girlfriends for some distraction.
My friend Katie and I were REALLY, really close in high school. She was two years behind me so when I went away to college, we of course grew apart but remained friends throughout the years, wishing each other congrats on college grads, birthdays, Facebook messaging here and there and liking each others posts on Facebook. Katie was a health nut, athletic and into organic and clean eating. When I found out in May that she was diagnosed with a terrible, stage 4 ovarian cancer, just months after giving birth to her first daughter I was floored. I didn't shed tears but I was overwhelmed with whys and didn't really take it to heart I guess you could say. I sent up prayers for her and kept up to date on her progress, surgeries, etc on Facebook but that was it. It wasn't until September, when her older sister, who I was also extremely close to in high school, sent me a message that said "Kate passed." that I lost it. I couldn't breathe, I sobbed, I was with my boyfriend, we were organizing his kitchen and I just couldn't believe it. I couldn't imagine the pain. Her husband, her daughter, her parents, her siblings. It didn't seem real. Death is so hard to comprehend. I just don't get it.
They say major things in life come in 3's, well mine, mine is coming in 4's, it's a big wave that I pray passes quickly. Yesterday, Super Bowl 50 Sunday, I got a phone call from my mom, my grandpa died. Just like that, I hear the words YET AGAIN. This time, it hurts hard, my heart squishes and sinks, my pulse speeds up. I know my dad is not ok because he has just learned that his dad has died. Died. A word no one wants to hear. Grandpa was sick, his kidneys were failing and his quality of life was terrible. Spending the day doing dialysis and the rest sleeping, he was ready to go to sleep forever. But you never want it to happen this way, or at all. Luckily, I was surrounded by friends and heavy distractions of the Super Bowl. I don't think it really sunk in until this morning, I woke up to exercise as I have been every day for the past two weeks, and I knew I could not handle being awake. I called out to work and went back to sleep. I had a day of peace and quiet. I didn't really eat, I didn't go outside. I just sat and was alone and quiet. It's what I needed. I cried off and on. I had a couple friends and my boyfriend checking in. I just did what I needed to do. I am thankful for all the memories I have of my Grandpa Gene. I pray he is resting in peace.
Death. I still don't understand it. Don't think I ever will.
Comments
Post a Comment